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At some point, someone made me feel shitty for wanting to dress fancy. I’m not sure when it was (though I’m guessing it was likely around age 13), and I don’t know who did it (solid guess would be a 13 year old boy), but I have a full on fear of wearing fancy clothes. I used to think that the fear was because I just didn’t want anyone to ask me why i was dressed up. I thought I just wanted to be left alone, unbothered by inquiring minds. What I realized was that the reason I avoided dressing up was a bit more serious than not wanting to make small talk with strangers.
I didn’t want anyone to notice me.
Now, you’d think that someone like myself who is drowning in pictures of her outfits would practically be screaming “NOTICE ME!!!” at passerby’s, but the truth is… i like to blend in. I don’t want to draw any extra attention to myself. I’m pretty scared of putting myself out there, trying really hard to pull together an outfit and style myself, and then facing the possibility that someone may look at me longer than 3 seconds. While I talk about body diversity, and exclaim that “we are not invisible!” I often times hide behind clothes that don’t reflect who I am or how I feel so that I can feel exactly that: invisible.
I’m constantly reminded that self-love is a journey and even when I think I’ve got it all figured out, I peel back another layer that will expose some hang-up that I didn’t know I had. I like it like that. That means the growth never stops, and that’s pretty cool. So I thought maybe this dress would help me a bit. I might look dressed up, but me and all these butterflies know that I blend in just perfectly with mother nature. Baby steps.