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I’m feeling like I can take on the world right now. I cut 6 inches off my hair, colored it super blonde, decided I don’t give a damn what the world thinks about my VBO (visible belly outline), and stopped worrying about wearing heels. I mean, for now. I’m not a magician, I realize that at any moment I could start to feel that overwhelming pressure to conform again. But right now in this moment, I just feel free.
The thing about loving yourself and knowing your worth, is that it doesn’t exactly make you automatically feel smoking hot every second of every day. For the last several months I have woke up most days and been content. Neither sad, nor excited, just peaceful. I would get ready and I’d see myself in the mirror and think “that is me”. Some days I would get a bit excited because I knew I had done a great job on my makeup, or my hair was having an exceptionally cute day, rarely did I jump up singing “I’m feelin’ myself!!!” by Beyonce. Because I wasn’t. I just felt alright. If my body was a novel and I was in the process of writing it, I had writer’s block. I was not feeling inspired.
You know what I was feeling? Secure. Stable. Unafraid. I didn’t feel like the world was ending just because I didn’t think I was fly every day. I never hated myself. This is a first for me. I’m not sure how to articulate the different between these feelings and past feelings, I just know that I made it through that time when I was thoroughly unimpressed with myself without harming my body. I wasn’t mean to it, I didn’t neglect it, and I didn’t seek out behaviors to punish it. I just sat with it, instinctively knowing that it was still worthy of respect even when I wasn’t thrilled with it.
That, my friends, is progress.