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*this post contains mentions of eating disorders, self hate, and fat hate
Prepare yourself for outfit posts that look a lot like this one for the next several months. That’s right, bikinis are outfits now. It was 80 degrees outside yesterday, and this is not a game.
Bikinis have become my life blood. I live for this time of year, as my husband watches tiny package after small box come through our front door, knowing each has a teeny bikini in it. I want them all. It’s excessive, yes. We maybe had to buy a little extra storage crate. These things happen.
These things are especially likely to happen when you’ve been told you’re not able to wear a bikini your whole life. I did not grow up a fat kid, in fact I grew up a fairly average sized, athletic, and muscley little babe. I had fat on my belly, and my hips and thighs… you know… as most humans do. I struggled with always being taller and a bit more stalky than everyone else. My family is sturdy, I am strong, my body is not dainty. When I went swimsuit shopping with my mom we would look through the racks at Dillards and see the endless options of S, M, L bikinis. I would try on a large bottom and it would cut into my firm hips.
At the pool I would adjust my suit, hoping that nobody noticed how tight it was. I carried a towel around with me so nobody had to see my body once I was out of the pool. When teenage boys walked by, I would cover my belly with my arm. I developed an eating disorder.
That’s how quickly it happened. One minute I was sad that I couldn’t find a bikini in my size, the next minute I was spending the day monitoring the roars of my stomach and getting quiet satisfaction from the emptiness. I was growing, and my body wasn’t going to give in to my desire to be thin easily. Instead of steadfastly starving myself, I rotated between cycles of restriction and binging. My adolescence was a roller coaster of gaining and losing. I lost touch with the reality of what my body looked like. I hated myself.
At 31 years old, I’ve done a whole hell of a lot of work to heal. I’ve discovered my values. I’ve allowed myself to hurt, be angry, be bitter. I’ve seen what my body can handle, and what it cannot. I know what it looks like to abuse yourself. I know what it feels like to have your commitment to loving yourself questioned, when it’s the only thing keeping you alive. And I know I’m not alone.
Maybe my swimwear collection is a bit excessive. Let’s just say I’m making up for lost time. And maybe I’m going to hang out in my bathing suit a little more than most people. I want to say that I’ve earned it, but the fact is I was always deserving of this comfort in my own skin. Now I’m going to celebrate.
All items c/o SimplyBe.com
Kimono | Bikini | Sandals |Handbag
Sunday 27th of November 2016
a 58 year disabled woman 240lbs i prefer skirts ,long .iam wheelchair bound wouldlike tosee more wheelchair fashion.
Saturday 16th of July 2016
I love everything about you. Can I say that without anyone getting weird about it? Because I don't mean it in a weird (i.e. sexual, which isn't weird, but you know what i mean) way. You're just an amazing, wonderful, gorgeous woman!
Sunday 17th of July 2016
thank you!!!! It's not weird at all it's absolutely a wonderful compliment <3
Thursday 30th of June 2016
I have to tell you that I bought my first (and second) bikini since high school or before - more than 20 years ago! I got one from Kohl's and one from Simply Be (this one is RED!). My plan - courage and weather permitting - is to wear one at the beach this 4th of July weekend. By the way, I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that Simply Be uses bra sizing for the bikini tops. That makes it SO much easier to get the correct size on the first try via online shopping.
Monday 13th of June 2016
I was always the biggest, tallest girl in the class, positioned in the back, middle of every class photo. There were not a lot of options for plus sizes in Canada at the time. I had to wear jogging suits to school or anything else I could find with flexible sizing. I didn't have a lot of peers that looked like me. It made me feel so alone and isolated.
Monday 23rd of May 2016
I had to follow up... I'm going on vacation in 2 days and I'm not only wearing that one bikini, but I'll be rocking the SECOND bikini I bought as well!! :) :) Thank you, Corissa, for giving me the confidence and strength to be my beautiful self as I am RIGHT NOW. XOXOXO