I WON’T LET OTHERS DICTATE MY BODY POSITIVE JOURNEY

July 23, 2015 14 Comments

I WON’T LET OTHERS DICTATE MY BODY POSITIVE JOURNEY

July 23, 2015 14 Comments

This post may contain affiliate links. Affiliate links allow Fatgirlflow to earn commissions on products we recommend. All opinions are our own.

I’m going to make the introduction to this post quick: I’m a nude model.

Some times I’m reminded of the great divide that lies between body positivity and the plus size industry. Recently, a friend of mine let me know that she had become aware that I am a nude model and wanted to give me a heads up that it may effect future sponsorship’s with different brands. I have of course always been aware of this and it does not bother me. But it made me think… who the hell gave the presence of my nipple so much power?

I started modelling about 3 years ago, in the middle of an awesome self love journey. I was reconnecting with my body after years of disordered eating and wanted to see myself and my body for what it truly was. I had spent a lifetime looking through a distorted, hateful lens at myself and decided to get in front of a real lens and challenge what I thought I knew. I took selfies (a LOT of selfies), and I looked at them… without judgement. I would remark on my physical appearance in ways that I hadn’t before, “oh, I have a dimple in my chin there.” or “my left eye is slightly more hooded than my right”. On “ugly” days I would take selfies and not look at them. I would save them, and look back on them a week later. More often than not, I discovered that my “ugly” days were a product of emotion and not facts. I had looked just fine in those photos that I was scared to look at because I felt so hideous, in fact I looked damn good.

There is a natural progression, when learning to love your body, that includes confronting fears about sexuality and whether or not you’re a worthy partner to the people you choose to be intimate with. As women, we are not only judged by what is visible over our clothes, but also what is underneath. The first time someone harassed me about my genitals was when I was in 6th grade. Two boys started a rumor that I had “popped my own cherry”. I did not know what a cherry was, nor did I know it was able to be popped. I hadn’t even started menstruating when people in my class started teasing me about a part of my body I didn’t even know I had. I learned at too young an age that my body was not my own, that I merely inhabited this shell that other people were going to intrude upon for the rest of my life.

My first glimpse of the body positive community, nearly 15 years after it was rumored that I “popped my cherry”, was the first time that I saw people fighting back against the bullshit that the world had placed on them. It was my safe place. I dove in head first. I wanted to love my body fiercely, unabashedly. I wanted to grow and learn. I wanted to unravel all of my thought processes about my body, and start at square one. I wanted to give myself a second chance to have the kind of relationship with myself that I had dreamed of.

But…. boobs.

These damn boobs. These saggy beautiful boobs. I just couldn’t get over how much I loathed my breasts. One too many people had criticized these bad boys for me to ever even consider liking them. I had gained and lost 100+ pounds nearly five times in the last ten years, and my breasts showed all the signs of my struggle with my eating disorder. I avoided mirrors, I kept my bra on at all times, I pretended like they didn’t even exist. And then I remembered the selfies I used to take that I would try and look at without judgement. If it worked for my face and my belly… why not my boobs? I took pictures from all sorts of angles, with and without a bra. I looked critically at my breasts without placing judgements on them about whether or not they were “good” or “bad”. I learned what my nipples looked like for the first time (ps- those things are weird). I found freckles I didn’t know I had. In my most serious act of rebellion, I started leaving the house without a bra on. I didn’t even cross my arms over my chest. I was so thrilled with this amazing new body part that I had been ignoring for so long!

I loved being naked in front of the camera. I loved looking at these pictures of myself where I was so free and unencumbered. I looked like my most true version of myself, my eyes lit up, I smiled in a way that said “Well, there’s nothing to hide now!”. I was so proud of myself. 

This is where things got a little bit tricky. I started modelling. It was a lot of hard work, and I did really well at it. But there was a kind of change in the response I received from people in the body positive community. I received messages telling me that I was not a “real” feminist, and that I had turned my body over to the male gaze. People asked me how I could fuel this evil pornography demon that was ruining generations of men. How could I call myself a body positive feminist while taking part in something so “degrading”. Worse than all of the things people said, was the undertone of “oh this poor misguided girl” that came from fellow body positive women. I had been relegated to a second class citizen in the community because of a choice I made regarding my own body.

I will not let others dictate my journey || fatgirlflow.com

At what point did I go from a respectable, reputable, deserving human being, to a moral liability? When I removed my bra??? There are a lot of things I can compromise on. Where my partner and I go to eat, waiting to buy shoes so that I can pay rent, drinking coca-cola when Pepsi is clearly what I really want. But I will never, not ever, compromise on the choices I make with my body. I will never be bullied or shamed into making myself less visible. Not again. I remind myself “you are not a shell of a human, and you do not have to let anyone intrude upon you”. When I model, I am not selling my body, I am selling a picture. A picture that was really fun for me to take and that has helped me heal in ways that no brand partnership could ever do.

At times, our community is stifled by judgement’s we place upon one another. We look at one person’s idea of self love and body positivity and we know it would be ineffective for ourselves. But just because something might not work for you, doesn’t make it less valid for another. Each of us gets to develop our own values and ideals about our bodies and how we want to spend the rest of our lives with them, and quite frankly nobody is required to share that with anyone else. When we come together as a group and celebrate our common cause, we must also celebrate our differences. Each of us has a really unique path that we’ve set out on and that’s the beauty of loving yourself. It doesn’t look the same for everyone. Just as varied as our bodies, the way we express our gratitude and love for them is unique.

I’m proud of myself and the person I’ve become through this amazing body positive journey, and there is nothing anyone can say or do to take that away from me.

fatgirlflow.com

 

 

Become part of the FGF Community!

Screen shot 2017 04 17 at 11.43.02 pm

Fat Girl Flow isn't about ONE person, it's about a community of kick ass people coming together to support, encourage, and love one another. What started as my personal journey to self love, quickly turned into something I never expected - life long friendships, understanding, and personal growth. We're all in this together <3

Powered by ConvertKit

14 Comments

  • Katy July 24, 2015 at 12:00 am

    Your nude photos, your sexual photos, were just as important to me as your OOTDs – actually, they were almost MORE important because they helped propel me to a place where I could see myself as a sexual and autonomous being who deserved pleasure and to love our vessels and to be giddy and joyful and complicated and have shitty days and STILL be a confident person. We are complicated. And I respect everything you’ve done. I’ve seen everything you’ve done! I’ve seen SO MUCH OF YOU, you beautiful human! And I am so glad. Because it helped me more than words can say. I love your relationship with your body and your openness about it. You give a platform for self love that doesn’t stop with your public and presentable appearance, but with your most sensitive areas with yourself, your body, your sex life, your desirability, your nudity. I am grateful for you. <3

    • fatgirlflow July 24, 2015 at 4:51 pm

      I love you so much, Katy. Thank you for being there through this wild ride with me. I’m going to go read this message and cry a little now… <3

    • Georgie August 16, 2015 at 6:36 am

      That was amazing, I almost had a little cry too! You rock Katy and I’m sure you’re sexy as hell 😉 xx

  • Alana July 24, 2015 at 12:32 am

    I’ve seen your nude photos before i know your blog, and i think you are an amazing woman, free and positive .I’d always think you are a very cute and pretty woman, and when i get to konw this blog ,i just thougt “this girl is really amazing”.As a woman , and a fat woman, i know how difficult it is to be so positive and it is a long road to accept ourselves, i think that people like you help us, and make us feel happy and positive.
    I’m in Europe and it is so difficuly here sometimes to be “different”.

    • fatgirlflow July 24, 2015 at 4:42 pm

      Thank you for the love and support Alana. And thank you for your kind words <3

  • Claire July 24, 2015 at 3:34 pm

    Your confident, proud ownership of your body is nothing less than inspirational!

  • Taylor July 24, 2015 at 4:08 pm

    Watching your self love journey has been so uplifting and comforting to me. Seeing the love of your body and joy in your photos has inspired me to embark on my own self love journey. I am forever grateful for both your fat girl blogging and your nude modeling. Because I saw representation of my body type in a fun, sexy, carefree way.

    Thank you.

  • Midge August 12, 2015 at 5:19 am

    I get frustrated w/ some of my feminist friends when they say ‘shaving is not feminist’ or ‘wearing makeup is not feminist’ or ‘being a stay at home mom is not feminist.’ Don’t tell me what I can and can not do! Feminists fight so women have the ability to make choices about how they live their lives. Don’t tell me to shave…but also don’t tell me I can’t. Don’t expect me to wear makeup so I can fit your standard of beauty…but I will wear it when it suits me. I can not deal w/ people who think my place is at home, barefoot and pregnant…but I don’t regret my decision to mostly be a stay at home mom. What part of ‘choice’ do they not understand?

    Being the subject of nude photographs makes you happy? Click, click, click! (not that you need my permission) If not now, when? Life is too freakin’ short.

    • fatgirlflow August 13, 2015 at 5:45 pm

      YES! You hit the nail on the head!

  • Mary April 26, 2016 at 11:51 am

    This is why today’s feminists drive me crazy. I can’t identify with them. I’m just a girl who wants to do her own thing, without judgement. Thank you for all the inspiration, Corissa. You are such a major part of my own journey of self love!

    • fatgirlflow April 27, 2016 at 10:48 am

      I think most feminists are with you on wanting to do your own thing, at least I know I am 😉

  • Maria Renee November 18, 2016 at 10:12 am

    You taught me some great things today with this post !!!! , thank you so much for this wonderfull post , It was so revealing to me that it touched me in a way that made me realize that I´m afraid confronting fears about my own sexuality and what I mean with this, is if I´m going to be accepted with this size and shape when he sees me butt naked PS-(makes me feel vulnerable and unaflattering in that department . ).
    SELFIES HERE I COME !!!!

  • Leave a Reply

    This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

    Welcome to Fat Girl Flow! You can read more about who I am right here!

    Subscribe & Follow

    ×
    shares